Thursday, August 2, 2012

Social Media Meltdown

 So I was gone for a bit.  Not to worry - nothing major, just a bit of a social media meltdown.

All of a sudden I just didn't feel like sharing my every thought and whim.  I took a break - from blogging, from Facebook and Pinterest.  It was good.

I am back, but I do not think I will ever be back in "full force" so to speak.  I've turned a corner and while I still love the concept of social media - the idea that I can pop in and see what my friends are up to when it's convenient for me - without any kind of pressure  at all,  I am relieved that my  compulsion to get my "Facebook fix" has melted away.  I was a bit obsessive there for a while - and no I am not judging you if you are, but it was sucking too much of my time.  I was checking Facebook on my phone at traffic lights for goodness sake - there's no need.  It was reminiscent of the me back in the 90's before I had a cell phone - the one who would check her answering service 400 times a day to see if anyone was trying to reach her about a callback for something.  No need.

Blogging could be categorized the same way I supposed.  Taking my time to just blather away.  Truth be told I am blogging today because of my Nan.  Because the last time I visited her (which is not nearly often enough as she lives so far away) she told me that she checks in on my blog every day and I was gently scolded for not writing.  So, Here's a shout out to my Nan  - I love you and I am writing.

I am also quilting - a pastime that makes me feel about 70 - especially when I find myself doing it while sipping on a cup of tea, but hey - perhaps I am an old soul.  I recently bonded with some nice old ladies at a quilt shop here in Annapolis.  I try not to view this as sad - just as fact.  I like fabric. I like to sew - if that makes me an old lady, so be it. I'm 40 now right?  Isn't that the age when I am allowed to say - "screw it and to hell what everyone thinks"?  I hope so - because that is kinda where I am these days.

Friday, June 1, 2012

The Only Child

This one is pretty tough to write - so bear with me.

My daughter will be an only child.  We have been trying for 2 years to have another baby.  It hasn't worked out.  Blame the stress of tending to a little one.  Blame timing & my husband's travel.  Blame my over 40 eggs or our late start on this wonderful life chapter called parenthood - for whatever reason, it hasn't worked out.

I gave myself a deadline.  When I turned 40, if we hadn't been blessed again - we would stop planning and counting and calculating to conceive.  Yes, I know women much older than me have given birth,  this isn't about them. I also know there are treatments, procedures and options available - they aren't for me.

I am in a period if mourning I guess.  I cry about it sometimes. Not because I am unsatisfied with my family - I think my sadness comes from the fact that I never imagined how much I would love being a mom. never in a million years.  Had I known I would have started earlier and I would have had at least 2 - maybe 3 kids.

But the truth is, if I had started earlier it would have been a different egg & sperm combo - a different child... and while that child would have been unique and wonderful, I know that it is Emery who is meant to be here with us, so I banish all of those what ifs.

I realize- I wasn't meant to be mom.  I was meant to be Emery's mom.

So, now I mourn...for a bit longer I think....or maybe a lot longer, I don't know. For as long as it takes to really accept.

I slowly let go of my preconceived notions of what my family will look like when it is "finished".

I let go of ALL of the baby stuff that is still in the basement.

I brace myself for the possibility that there may come a time when my angel starts begging for a little brother or sister and I try to think of a way to let her know - and I hope that she isn't so disappointed that I wind up promising her a pony.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

the last time I shot a gun I cried

So some people feel the need to connect to their inner child, or goddess or artist.  I on the other hand have a sudden desire to tap into my inner badass.

Let me back up and tell you how this came to be.

I am huge fan of the show Criminal Minds.  It replaced Law & Order SVU when that Hargitay  woman kept getting Emmy noms and my Christopher Meloni was snubbed year after year. Not cool.

I love the characters and I have always been drawn to by psychological dramas - throw the fact that there is a new serial killer every week.  Call it a morbid fascination with the darker side of human behavior.

On this season's finale FBI profiler JJ learns that her son is alone with a a serial killer.  Can you imagine?  I watched the scene below on the edge of my seat (they totally kill off people on this show - no one is safe).  The mama bear instinct in me was so so present and awakened.  At the end I thought...ok that's it - I want to do THAT.  Sign me up - Quantico isn't that far away and I am totally sure they have a course for suburban Moms who suddenly feel the need to protect their cubs...uh kids.

Okay,  I know its choreographed and dear God may I never ever be in that position - but I suddenly felt so inadequate. Sure most of my friends probably can't roundhouse kick the bad guys away....I know that and I don't consider them inadequate.  But damn....I want to be a bad ass.  I want to be able to protect my child if I ever need to.

I also texted my husband to let him know I am ready to learn how to shoot the gun.

We have a gun in the house.  Locked in the safe.  Feel free to judge.  I was not keen on the gun in the beginning at all.  I understand every single argument and opinion that this post may garner.  But at the end of the day we have a gun and I am home alone with my daughter a lot - I should at least know how to use it.

The last time I shot a gun I cried.

My husband thought it would be fun to take me to an indoor range - he likes to shoot at targets - it's a guy thing I think and since I don't have to sit through football games I figured I would go along with it.  I got so emotional and freaked out that I gave the gun back to the instructor - handed Jason my extra bullets and left.  As soon as I got away from the range I broke down. I  sobbed.

So there you have it  - Krav Maga and target practice anyone?  Let's find the inner badasses - I know mine is in there...hiding deep underneath my outer twirlie.